Making Relationships Work

Our relationships stand out as paramount in importance and high priority. The following are some thoughts about what makes a relationship work and how you can maintain a solid foundation:

• Be perfectly clear about your own needs, and match those with your partner’s needs from the onset of the relationship. Many people choose a partner because of a feeling, and an attraction, however they don’t tend to ask themselves “What are the important things I value and need to evidence in my relationship to be content with my partner in the long term. It’s not too late to still have that conversation if you are already in a relationship. You are entitled to express your needs and your opinions as long as this courtesy is given to your partner as well.
• Ensure that your relationship is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of both people involved. In the main, when you give better you get better. If you are giving but receiving very little, it’s time to address what other issues may be preventing relationship progress. If you put your relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be a lose/lose outcome.
• Ask yourself: “ Is what I’m doing working or not working? Am I doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome? Find a way that works, recognise when it’s not working, and be honest when it needs fixing by accepting some responsibility. Draw up a plan of action.
• Falling in love is not the same thing as being in love. Embrace the change and know that relationships require maintenance and an open connection. You don’t fix things by fixing your partner. You don’t necessarily solve problems – you learn how to manage them.
• Communicate often. Make sure your sentences have verbs. Acknowledge your partner, and talk about the action that is required to rectify and make good. Remember 7 % of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder.

Some questions that will endear your partner:

1. How have you been coping with ……… ? (Shows interest)
2. What more can I do to help? …………. (Shows willingness)
3. How do you feel about ………………? (Shows caring)
4. I think you would like me to……………. Is this correct? (Shows acknowledgement)
5. I can see you’re exhausted … I’ll take over and you have a rest. (Shows respectful observation)
6. Can we talk again about the issue you raised last night? ……. I want to be sure that you are OK about it, or do we need to discuss further? (Shows love & consideration)
7. The weekend is coming up, would you like to ………? (Shows initiative)
8. The family is coming for dinner, are you happy to plan the menu with me and make a list of things that need doing? (Shows planning & co-operation)
9. I get that things have been tough lately so I thought that a weekend away with your friends might allow you to have some time out – I’ll look after the kids/house etc. (Shows respect & a wonderful surprise)
10. If you feel bothered about anything I want you to know that I am here to listen, and to be supportive. (Shows empathy)

The TV series ‘Frasier’ portrayed by Kelsey Grammer, has some valuable insights. This New Year let’s all adopt more of Frasier Crane’s phrase ………“I’M LISTENING” ……… and have a backup maintenance plan of action.

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Politics in Relationships

Here we go again, another election and another possible change of government. I should imagine that the medical profession has revised asking suspected concussion patients the question, “Who is our Prime Minister?”. It may not be the best question to ask given the many changes of leadership.

Speaking of changes, one of the critical strategic plans in politics is that parties make promises that capture the attention of enough voters for that particular party to lead the nation. I have heard moans and groans about “here we go again”, “they’re all the same”, and “they promise everything before they’re elected then don’t deliver.”

It’s understandable that trust and faith in our politicians wanes when the goods are not delivered.

Promises with disappointing outcomes become wearing.

It seems that we can draw a parallel between political promises and promises we make to one another. On reflection, how often have we expressed our intention to deliver with our partners, children, friends – making promises that never come to fruition? I believe the expression is “talk the talk, but not walk the walk”. Is this the same strategic line as political “clap trap?” We would probably shudder to think that this could be so. The truth is that whatever you wish to call it, it does cause problems and pain in relationships.

Depending on the severity, most people are able to cope with some disappointment and broken promises. However, if these are not addressed and continue as “clap trap” or rhetoric the frustration increases and tolerance wears thin. Believing that the other person needs to “just accept it” or “stop complaining about it”, is counter productive. Talk is cheap unless it is backed up by action. Actions have always spoken louder than words. Action is a verb – it’s a doing word that gives evidence to people we most care about that we are prepared to get past our ego and review our thought patterns and our manner of speak. We want to show others that we are prepared to encompass flexibility in our attitude, and be willing to be influenced.

There is a way of making this a very different scenario whereby the action of revisiting and renegotiating comes into play. For whatever reason it is not always possible to fulfill previously made promises, so rather than becoming defensive, ignoring and avoiding, it calls for a stepping out to communicate the difficulties and working together to draw up another plan. This involves having the ability to recognize the bend and be flexible. If we did not action this in the workplace most people would be unemployed. Being open to possibilities creates a wonderful effortless fluidity that flows between 2 people that can swap and change for smooth flow of the relationship. The terrible discomfort of “I don’t count” transforms into we both are considered and respected.

LOVE starts as a feeling, and remains a feeling until it is fueled by consistent action. This fueling and actioning takes love to another level. It supports the fundamental elements of that which constitutes healthy, thriving relationships. The all-important fundamental elements of honesty, respect, co-operation, accountability, safety and support create a firm foundation for the furthering growth of love & trust. It is important to create shared meaning and to witness evidence of that commitment. This creates a connectedness and a passion that leaves you yearning for more.

If love in action is not evidenced then the love base becomes fragmented; there is a turning away from the other as distrust and hurt eats away at the heart – the very same heart that was overjoyed and open to so many wonderful prospects & possibilities. If unattended, the feelings of hopelessness and despair permeate. The restoration of faith seems near impossible, respect crumbles, distrust grows, and an uncomfortableness becomes apparent.

Clap trapping is futile and leaves a horrible emptiness. It creates unnecessary trouble, doubt and hurt, and drags us away from the values of sincerity, honesty and integrity.

Our task is to see and use adversity as an advantage. Learning from our experiences heightens resilience and passion for love & life!

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New Mindset = New Results

“If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re always going to get the result you’ve always gotten.”

Approaching situations or individuals the same way over and over again and then expecting different results is highly frustrating.

Building on a sound information base, a willingness to open up to new possibilities, exploring options, and moving forward with sound practical skills & strategies makes the world of difference.

Engaging in life with a renewed perspective lifts unnecessary burdens and turns difficulties into mere short term challenges that are able to be resolved.